Flying Solo

Monday Musings

You’re probably sick of this month about break-ups…but I still think there has been something about this for each of us. (Not quite like June- our month on marriage- heard that some of you were really glad when that month was over.J But in picking up the pieces through the years of a lot of wounded hearts I’m continually pressed to tell you one more time as we close out this month…God can be trusted. He can be trusted with your heart. He can be trusted with your companion. 
     So Denise, are you saying that God only has one person for you? I’m saying I think God is big enough to get His man to me. I don’t know if He had multiple options and a couple of them might miss me, but He is big enough to get His to me. 
     If God cares about the details of your checkbook, the details of your job, the details of your heart, He surely cares about the details of your mate. I just encourage you to trust Him. And while you’re trusting Him take some time to ask Him what He is doing and where you can get in the middle of it. 
     We are so good at developing all of our plans and stuff and then spending the rest of the time praying God to bless it. Begging Him to show up in the middle of it. But let’s change the prayer maybe. Let’s pray, “God where are you moving? And if you would, put me right smack dab in the middle of it.” Then we know that whatever we do will be blessed. 
     It’s going to be a good season my friend. Heal if you need to. Release this whole relationship thing to your Father. And then get in the middle of what He is doing and let Him use you like crazy while you have such a ridiculsouly beautiful unobstructed view of Him and His heart. He is desperately craving ours, may we desperately desire His. 

Sunday Reflections

This is your time. Reflect with us about your week, your friends, or what God has become to you. This is your space. Your time.

Ice Cream and A Movie

 

Turtle Tracks:

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When a serial killer indicates that his next target is the Miss United States beauty pageant, the F.B.I. decides that they must get an undercover agent as a participant in the contest. A search uncovers no suitable candidate other than a bumbling female agent. Reluctantly, her captain agrees to let her join the team working the case. The team is led by a womanizing agent who has an apparent reluctant attraction to Bullock's character. She enters as Miss New Jersey, replacing a contestant who was discovered to have acted in a porno film.

We want your recipes! We want your favorite movies! And we want your pictures of dinner with freinds! Email them to [email protected] 

Friday's with Ken

I’m sure you get the question a lot, “When will the pain stop?” Can you share with us your thoughts?

The simple answer is when the healing is complete…most people don’t like that answer.  Emotional pain like physical pain is our friend. Physical pain lets us know that something isn’t right and we need to pay attention. Emotional pain works the same way.  I knew a man once that after having ignored chest pain for a few hours died from a massive coronary. If we choose to do the same thing with large emotional pain it will steal your ability to really live. The best thing to do is move toward the pain.  If you’ve been reading on Fridays, then this sounds familiar.  Our focus needs to be on engaging the pain with God’s help, not trying to avoid it or worrying about the duration.

I’ve also noticed in grief that one of the enemy’s subtle weapons is getting us into a cycle of self-pity. Why is this so easy during grief or trauma situations? And how do people break that cycle?

Everyday I hear people say something like, “I don’t deserve this!” or “Why is God punishing me?”  Self-pity is the human tendency to measure our lives against what we think we should have and let that move us into anger or depression. It causes us to take our eyes off of God and place them squarely on ourselves. Nothing good comes from that decision. We’re far better off if we engaged with the story that God is telling with our lives.

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to [email protected]

Thursday Thumbprint

This Thumbprint comes from a Berrylin in Tennessee

I met a man who caught my eye, and then a bit of my heart. As I got to know him, I came to care for him, deeply. I respect him, I like him…I like who God made him to be….how he was put together. Yet, as we dated, we continued to question whether or not this was God’s best for us. Did we fit like we felt like we should to be good partners and lovers on this journey God has placed us on? I still don’t know the answer to that. To be honest, he probably questioned it more than me because I just wanted it to work. Part of that may be due to my love of potential, and part of it may be due to a blind eye to the need to let go or see the reality of a situation when I care deeply for someone. Is he a great man? Yes. Is he the great man for me? I can’t answer that. He had enough courage and strength to stop the relationship as he wasn’t sure. I respect him for that. He doesn’t attempt to string me along or use my feelings to get his needs met. My guess is this is what it is like to date a man. I still respect him, still like him, and still miss him.

In the middle of that, I looked to the Lord and said, “What now?” And, he answered. He poured out upon me a renewed vision for the calling I believe he placed on me. He gave me a deeper awareness of my own issues and where his healing balm needs to spread. That process is painful…and joyful.

I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Notice I didn’t say, I am not where God wants me to be…I’m just not where I thought I would be. Yet, I am learning that my viewpoint is limited anyway. I do not cling to who I know God to be as much as my heart wants to. I still want to grab on to my old faithful distractions – attention from men, control, noise, people, work. I am not as still as I would like to be. I am not as peaceful. However, God continues to meet me where I am. He has placed a call on my life. HE will see it through. I just have to kneel and surrender my heart. Yet, sometimes, the space between me standing and the floor I need to kneel on feels like a million miles. At that point, I have a decision to make. I can keep standing or I can kneel. It’s that simple. Does that mean I kneel every time? Nope. But, I keep wanting to. Thankfully, God sees my heart…thankfully.

I don’t know how to date well. I don’t know how I feel about the differences between, “courting,” “I kissed dating goodbye,” and “you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.” I’ve got more mixed messages on that stuff than you can count. I just know that God is altogether good, that he continues to love me in the middle of all my junk, and He KNOWS the plans he has for me. Do I still miss the man? Yes. Yet, I work everyday to trust God with my heart and his. I pray for a partner for him who loves him fiercely and is the woman God has called to walk this journey with him. I also pray for that fiercely loving man that God has for me. If we aren’t that for each other, then praise God that he ended it early (through the man’s integrity and strength). In the waiting, I pray…for me, for him, and for any of us walking the single journey. I pray that God will continue to multiply himself in this season and that he will mold our hearts to pour out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. To quote my Mom, “hear the cry of His saints through the ages, with broken hearts and disappointments in their own failures, crying... ‘make me like you.’”

To share your Thumbprint moment email [email protected]

Wednesday 1 on 1 with Marian...........

This is the 4th segment of our interview with author and speaker Marian Jordan. It’s been a wonderful time getting to know her, so let’s dig in a little deeper.

Can you share with our readers some of the dangers you talk about in your chapter "The Wilderness of Unmet Desires?"
 
Two dangers spring to mind immediately: bitterness and manipulation. Bitterness arises in our hearts when life does not meet our expectations. I’ve often heard this formula:
Expectations (minus) Reality = Pain

Pain that is unhealed results in a poisonous wound. If that wound is in the human heart, we call it bitterness. In my book, I go into great detail about how we deal with this bitterness and allow God to heal our pain.
 
The other danger is manipulation. As we know, women love to have control. When life is not progressing according to our timetable, we tend to think God needs our help. Therefore, what many women do is make choices or do certain things to bring about their desire in a way that does not glorify God. We must be on guard against this temptation. I remind myself all the time the truth of God’s word: No good thing does God withhold.
This scripture reminds me that my Heavenly Father knows my heart and my desires better than I do…and if He delays in granting them there is a very good reason. Trust Him!
 
In ministering as you do through your organization Redeemed Girl Ministries, what is the greatest misconception you find young women, and possibly young men for that matter bringing in to their dating lives? What do you advise them to do with this?
 
One of the greatest misconceptions that I see in young women is the idea that love is a feeling and that marriage is conditional upon emotions. I think the culture has robbed us of the meaning of marriage with our steady diet of romantic comedies and reality television. I’m not condemning either…just saying that we need to be on guard lest we become brainwashed with our culture. In many ways, our culture encourages divorce by feeding this mentality into our minds. 

Tuesday Tips

Single Again: Tips for the Recently Single Woman and Man

If you are recently single-again due to divorce or the death of a husband or wife, you may be experiencing a whole gamut of different emotions including but not limited to:

    * Fear
    * Guilt
    * Rejection
    * Loneliness
    * Anger
    * Sadness
    * Bitterness
    * Discontenment
    * Anxiety

Having to suffer through emotions like these puts recently single-again folks in a vulnerable state, where manipulative people can take advantage of them, and poor decisions can be made.

In Parent Education classes for newly single-again people, we teach a segment on how they can protect themselves by not making stupid mistakes in the first year of reentering singlehood. Why do we teach this? It’s during this time that recent single-again women and men are more apt to make poor decisions that could set back their healing process.

The following tips for the recently single-again Christians may help during this difficult time.

Tips for the Single Again Christian

Single Again Tip #1: Guard Your Heart

Recently single-again women and men have a void in their lives that cries out for filling. They are also not thinking clearly. Additionally, they are especially open to making bad dating decisions, falling prey to sexual impurity and/or emotional “predators” The Bible warns us, “Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

The very last thing a recently single-again person needs during this time is to be taken advantage of sexually and/or have her or his heart broken all over again. That’s why most Christian and secular counselors recommend a time of up to one year after becoming single again that people not date. A single Christian parent dating with kids should be especially careful, since it’s not only their lives they are effecting, but the little ones’ as well.

Single Again Tip #2: Guard Your Wallet

Most recently single-again women (and to a lesser extent, men) have great anxiety and fear about how they will make ends meet. For Christian single parents, both custodial and non-custodial, financial stress over child support can also loom large.

Let’s face it, when under financial stress, it’s easy for anybody to panic, and seek out quick fixes that can to can turn out badly. A clear mind with sound financial planning and budgeting can help at this time.

In this regard online help is available at Crown Financial Ministries. This international Christian organization offers free help on budgeting, with savings tips and internet radio broadcasts that recently single-again Christians would find helpful.

Single Again Tip #3: Guard Your Spirit

Becoming single again is a stressful thing because of the uncertainty and added responsibilities. Singles of all sorts would definitely benefit by reading some tips on how to reduce stress in their lives.

Also, since the recently single-again person can very easily feel isolated, plugging into a Christian singles support group where support , understanding and encouragement are offered would be beneficial toward the renewing of your spirit.

http://christian-dating-service-plus.com

Got some of yur favorite Tips you want to share? Email them to [email protected]
 

 

Monday Musings

“When will it not hurt Denise? When will I ever not feel this pain again?” Her voice was desperate on the other end of the phone. In a little less than a year she had lost her mother and her husband of eleven months had walked out the door with no real known rhyme or reason. And her heart was breaking. And mine broke for her. 
     You know, there is no timetable for grief. It has no etiquette I often say. It shows up unannounced. Stays as long as it likes. And often leaves a sloppy mess. But then gradually, piece by piece, day by day, the ache in the soul grows farther and farther apart. I heard someone say one day, “Grief never goes away, it just explodes less often.” And that is very true.  And I think there may even come a time where grief is no longer the appropriate word, but instead a subtle sadness over what was lost. 
     However, you can find that God can do extraordinary things. I had just come out of the most horrific season of grief. It was my first holidays after my divorce and I remember sitting there with Ken and I said, “I’m afraid I’m not going to come out of this. I haven’t had something settle over my soul for this long.” We talked through the fear, the pain and slowly I found myself coming out of the black hole. But the grief still sat heavy on me. The pain of what could have been. The pain of what had happened. The pain over what was. 
     But one day on a drive back from Atlanta where I had been with some friends, I had a Praise and Worship CD on in the car and I just began to worship the Lord. I don’t know how to describe to you what happened that day, and honestly it was so personal that I don’t really want to. All I know, is when I pulled into my drive-way three hours later, that heavy grief has never been felt again. Supernaturally, God delivered me of that heavy grief. It was as if all the prayers that had been prayed for me by my precious friends and family, finally had finally accumulated to such a point that the hot air balloon had enough power to lift from the ground.
     Now have I cried again,absolutely. Has my heart ached at times. You betcha. (Have wanted to find a place to say that for a year) But never again has that heavy, aching, air depleting grief sat over my soul again. 
    I am praying for you. I am praying that if this is a season where the grief feels so consuming that God will in his kindness, give you an experience to remove that place of deep grief. But the other part of that is you have to be willing to let it go.
    One of the greatest dangers to grief is allowing it to grow to a place of self-pity. Oh my friends, I can’t tell you the danger in that. Grief brings with it an element of attention. People ask how you are. Want to help you. Stay with you. Feed you. But then they eventually return to the life they are living expecting you too as well. Now, granted they will do this much quicker than our healing process allows, but often the enemy uses self-pity as a means of keeping us in our grief. 
    See, self-pity says, “I deserve to stay here after what I’ve been through.” 
    “If I stay here I’ll get more attention.”
    “I should have never had to have gone through this.”
    “Someone should have stepped in and prevented this.”
    Self-pity resonates nothing about who God desires to be in the difficult situations of our life. Sure, what we’ve gone through might have been unfair, hard to understand, even traumatic, but it is still ours. Claim it. Realize that when your heart is God’s, there is not one thing He isn’t going to turn around for your good. 
    So, first, you have to admit it. You have to admit that this is where you are, stuck in a quagmire of self-pity. And I’m challenging you to get brutally honest with yourself. Bring it before the Lord and ask Him if He sees this in you. Trust me, He’ll tell you. And if you don’t feel like you can hear His answer ask your real friends, if they’re real, they’ll have no trouble telling you either. And then repent of it. Yes, I said it. Repent. It is as much a sin as any other. Because it has that internal eye focused on us and not on Him. And then move past it. The best way to do that is to praise. When we praise it is all about what He has done and who He is and is nothing about us. 
    And in that place we will discover a deep healing of our soul.

Sunday Reflections

This is your time. Reflect with us about your week, your friends, or what God has become to you. This is your space. Your time.

Friday's with Ken

Ken, during my healing process I stepped away from pretty much everything for a year. Fortunately, my situation gave me that ability. How valuable is stepping away to heal? And how can that look different for each of us?

Stepping away is about allocating resources.  Unfortunately in our culture we don’t do this in the best of times.  With any kind of healing our bodies, hearts and minds need time to process and rebuild.  Each individual has a unique set of circumstances so make the most of what you have.  Seek God’s wisdom concerning your commitments and let go of things that are not requirements.  When you get some space use it well.  Often folks create the space and then use it to avoid.  It's a good idea to have some accountability so you don’t fall into this trap.

I found myself also pulling away from people during that season who drained from me. Who in my “normal” state wouldn’t have felt that way. Is that important during healing? And how can we do it while not damaging relationships?

Be honest.  Once again allocating resources for the purpose of healing is a good thing.  Don’t expect everyone to understand.  Be kind and tell them what you need.

 

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to [email protected]