Flying Solo

Wednesday 1 on 1 with Philly con't........

Our readers may not know that Ken married us. That you actually had been going to Ken for about a year and a half. Ken said he had never had two clients meet and then start coming to him for counseling. That we were his first. What has your walk through counseling done for you and your life?

I had actually had two counselors prior to meeting Ken (one in Atlanta when I lived there and one in Nashville). Both of my previous counselors were focused more on correcting “behaviors” in my life. Finding Ken was exactly what I needed because his focus was not on behaviors but on the heart. He wanted me to experience my heart being alive again and the freedom that comes along with that. If I could get re-connected to my heart again and address the root causes of my dysfunction, then the behavioral issues would take care of themselves.
Ken’s approach was exactly what I needed. He has such a tender and loving way of walking with me through my pain and opening my eyes to how God is working in my life. One of his initial challenges for me was to allow myself to “feel” the pain and hurt of my divorce….to be “present” in the moment and to feel the deep disappointment and loss that I felt. And then to invite God into that place with me.
He also encouraged me to confess to God how I had shut my heart down over the years and to ask God to restore it. For me, it has been a journey with milestones along the way. Over the past couple of years, God has provided me with more and more clarity of who He created me to be and has restored those areas of my life that were lost.

If you could share with people the value of their heart and truly “seeing” other people (I will not tell them that Avatar is now you’re favorite movie.) what would you tell them?

Yes, I do love Avatar because of the many references in the movie to really “seeing” each other, not in a physical way but at a heart level. I hope that I can live my life this way. In fact, one of the ways that Ken challenged us to avoid the dangers of a sexual relationship prior to marriage is to keep “seeing” each other. If we could stay focused on what God is doing in each other’s heart and really see each other’s value, then it would make it much easier for us to not be distracted by the physical desires of the flesh. And he was right.
I feel like a 37-year-old man who really just started living for the first time a couple of years ago. After living for so many years with a heart that was shut down, I feel like I can really appreciate the new sense of freedom that God has given me. Life is no longer about “managing” my way through situations and relationships and trying to “control” perceptions and outcomes. Instead, I’m able to be truly present in the moment and experience people and life in a whole new way.
Having a heart that is alive has transformed my relationships, my business, my parenting, my marriage. It has given me the ability to trust myself and to hear God easier. And it has given me the ability to really “see” others because I’m at peace with who I am. You cannot really see others if you are continually focused on saying the right things and focused on what others might think about you.

 

Tuesday Tips

Ways to recognize a shut down heart.

1.You no longer do things you used to love to do. You can even convince yourself they don’t mean anything to you.

2.You spend your time perpetually focused on the needs of others and pay no attention to your own.

3.You rarely have real belly laughs anymore.

4.You don’t smile that much anymore.

5.You don’t listen to music much anymore.

6.You don’t feel things on a deep level anymore.

7.You’re rarely spontaneous. You demand structure because you think you can control that

Do you have some favorite Tips you would like to share? Email them to [email protected]

 

 

Monday Musings

I lived with a shut down heart for so many years. My challenge in dating again was to make sure that I didn’t let my heart ever do that again. Philly and I have talked so much over this last year about how we surrendered our hearts in our first marriages and how now that we have them back we don’t ever want to go back there again. And how that is a heal worth dying on.
 For me shutting down my heart looked like not saying what was truly going on inside of me. But there was so much fear there. Because when I had said what was on the inside of me it had been met with so much hostility that it was easier to just stay quite than to have that confrontation. I’m a peacemaker. I don’t like confrontation.
 I remember Ken and I talking one day and I said, “I don’t mind standing up for ministry. If I have an issue in the ministry arena I have no problem dealing with that issue because I don’t feel like I’m representing me.”
 He said, “Well, what does that say about you?”
 I paused, “That I’m not worth fighting for.”
 I realized I am. My thoughts, my desires, my pains are worth fighting for and being quite about what hurt me or frustrated me or what I really desired could no longer be an option going forward. There have been quite a few times over this journey that I have had to share things with Philly that weren’t easy. Sometimes they were about me, sometimes about him, sometimes about needs that I had, desires I had. And I knew saying them, asking for them, created risk in how he may respond. But to not ask would be to deny what my heart really desired.
 So, each time I have pressed through and asked. They beautiful thing is I have been met with these sweet responses. And with each kind response it has given me the safety to ask yet again. Merging two families isn’t easy. Going from so much time alone to adding six people into your life in one fail swoop it is easy to just shut your own heart down in that and simply make sure everyone else is taken care of.
 But one thing my divorce showed me is that if I’m not paying attention to my own needs then I won’t have anything that is really true or honest or real to offer the other people in my life. I give them the best of me when I have an open and connected heart to my Father. And that means not stuffing what I need down for everyone else.
 If people can’t handle your real heart, your questions, your desires your concerns, then they can’t handle how God has created you. Run away from that, don’t walk. The person God has for you will love the heart He has given you. Sure there will be things that drive you crazy, like the fact that they are ten minutes late wherever they go, but the things that really matter should have a place of safety to be discussed and expressed. And to not do that, makes us co-dependent and serving lesser gods. May no man ever own our heart. Only the Creator.

 

Sunday Reflections

This is your time. Reflect with us about your week, your friends, or what God has become to you. This is your space. Your time.

Fridays with Ken

What happens when people bring the baggage of their past relationships into their new relationships?

First of all everyone does it…whether we’re talking about parent, dating or pervious marriage relationship we bring that information and adaptive behaviors into a new relationship.  To put it simply we tend to use the new or current relationship to fix our history.  This one of the reasons it’s so important to walk humbly with one another.

What is the best way to make sure an old relationship is truly severed?

To honor an old relationship we need to own what’s ours…to look at how we’ve impacted the other person and what our sin is so we can grow.  We also need to look at the other person through the eyes of Christ so we can see who God created them to be and offer grace in the places of your wounding.

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to [email protected]

 

Wednesday 1 0n 1 with Philly con't......

 

 

We’re also talking about dating this month too, so what were your thoughts on dating right before you met me?

I really wasn’t focused on dating immediately following my divorce. I took several months to focus on my healing and recovery. I didn’t want to enter into a new relationship too quickly and bring some of the same baggage and unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship. I wanted to deal with my “stuff” first.
Before meeting you, I had just gotten to a place where I felt like my heart was alive again, and I felt like I was really beginning to live with freedom for the first time in a long time. I had told the Lord that I was content just being a single dad for a while and wasn’t really focused on dating or finding a wife. I didn’t have many female friends in my life, and I was seeking female friends so that I could learn to interact with women in a healthy way. This is when I met you.

 What was your greatest fear about re-entering a relationship?

I think my greatest fear was that I wasn’t ready for a mature, healthy relationship with a healthy woman. I knew that I had a dysfunctional past, and I also knew that I had worked hard on my own healing and recovery. However, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to put it to the test. It actually turned out to be easier than I expected, but I think that had a lot to do with how you responded to me.

Tuesady Tips

Ways to recognize co-dependent relationships.

1. Frequently one person focuses on the other as being their ultimate source of happiness- but this can also work in reverse. One can see the other as their source of pain.

2. Denial of their own heart. Easy to lose a real sense of self- Put their own dreams and desires aside and in that the loss of self intensifies.

3. When you are co-dependent and depend on someone else’s actions to make you happy- they desire others to be happy with them.

This results in:
a) Seeking approval from others- doing or saying what will impress others.
b) People Pleasing- doing what other wants even if it means denying what you want.
c) Caretaking – or Enabling- Doing things for that person that they are more than capable fo doing for themselves. Taking on things that aren’t your own.
d) Nagging-Criticizing- if the other things don’t work this is another form of behavior it will take on.
 

4. There is a deep fear in a co-dependent of losing the person that all of their attention is focused on. Yet there is a huge feeling of guilt for some of the ways they behave inside of this relationship. This only intensifies the feelings of loneliness that already exist.

5. Easily defensive. Because co-dependents refuse to let the other person in the relationship fail they are always maneuvering. And this often means in their relationship with others. Trying to help all parties get along. Yet, others can easily see the unhealthy actions that are taking place. So the co-dependent can be easily defensive. They can even deny or minimize their problems, blame them on others or simply turn to a place of silence and never talk about what is going on inside of them. None of these offer any relief. And if they don’t find a place to turn it can lead to addictions in other areas.

6. The disconnection with reality that this relationship is unhealthy. They convince themselves it “isn’t that bad”. Some even after being abused over and over. They also retain the belief that eventually they will be able to manipulate the actions of their partner through their other behaviors.

7. The own the martyr complex. In an attempt to salvage a sense of self- worth, codependents sometimes view themselves as victims and martyrs. Lacking self-love, they use self-pity as a way to assuage their inner pain. When others say, "I don't know how you can live with him; you must be a saint," codependents feel validated as martyrs.

Do you have some favorite Tips you would like to share? Email them to [email protected]

Monday Musings

In our first month of dating I needed Philly to know what he was getting. So, I gave him a tape of my speaking. I figured if he couldn’t handle it, better to run now than later. He came and picked me up and drove me out to Natchez Trace Parkway so we could park and see the sunset. But since he is always ten minutes late we missed the sunset by…ten minutes. 
 He shared with me some things from his heart and I shared with him something from mine. I said, “I’m not coming to you with a deficit. These have been two of the best years of my life.” And that was so true. And so freeing. And so I sincerely believe how God designed it. God had become so sweet to me, so real, so present that I wasn’t letting Philly into my heart because there was some void that needed to be filled. I simply said, “But I am going to allow myself to enjoy you and this relationship.”
 When we come into relationships trying to fill some void inside of us we have immediately set that relationship up for failure. In my first marriage I was so co-dependent. I couldn’t admit it until I was out of the marriage, but it was so unhealthy. I had allowed someone else’s life to completely consume my own. 
 There is only one life that should overtake us and that is our Father. Any other relationship we add to our life, whether, friend, or dating should be a compliment to our life, an addition to our life, not a place of feeling as if we need to be fulfilled in some way. 
 I challenge you, especially if you are going from person to person, or in a relationship where you feel you can’t live or breathe without someone that you take a step away. That you take a season to get alone with your Father and allow Him to fill the deepest places of your soul.
 One of the sweetest things about the relationship I now have is the deep enjoyment and satisfaction that I have in my own life. God has filled me up so sweetly that Philly gets the overflow of that instead of the tugging or demanding of him to meet some unfulfilled need. By allowing loving God well and allowing Him to love me well I am able to love my husband well. He has a completely different wife than he would have had. 
 David said, “My expectation is from you.” There is only one place our expectation should be, from our Father. Don’t ever put those on another person. They don’t deserve it. They deserve to enjoy you. Just like the Lord intended it to be.

Sunday Reflections

This is your time. Reflect with us about your week, your friends, or what God has become to you. This is your space. Your time.

Saturday Dinner and a Movie

 Flank Steak - Red Wine and Oven Fries

Ingredients:

3 medium (8 ounces each) russet (baking) potatoes

3 teaspoon(s) olive oil

1/2 teaspoon(s) salt

1/4 teaspoon(s) coarsely ground black pepper

1 1/4 pound(s) beef flank steak, trimmed of fat

1/2 teaspoon(s) dried tarragon

1 medium shallot, minced

3/4 cup(s) dry red wine

1 bag(s) (9-ounce) microwave-in-the-bag baby spinach

Directions:

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Cut each unpeeled potato crosswise in half, then cut each half lengthwise into 8 wedges.

Spray 15 1/2" by 10 1/2" jelly-roll pan with nonstick cooking spray. Place potatoes in pan and toss with 2 teaspoons oil, 1/4 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper. Roast potatoes in oven 25 minutes or until fork-tender and beginning to brown, stirring once halfway through roasting.

Meanwhile, rub steak with tarragon and remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt to season both sides. Heat 12-inch cast-iron or other heavy skillet on medium-high. Add 1 teaspoon oil and steak; cook 12 minutes for medium, or until desired doneness, turning over once. Transfer steak to cutting board. To same skillet, add shallot and cook 1 minute, stirring. Add wine and heat to boiling; boil 2 minutes or until reduced to 1/3 cup.

Cook spinach in microwave as label directs. Thinly slice steak and serve with wine sauce, potatoes, and spinach.

The Book of Eli

In a post-apocalyptic America where the once-picturesque countryside has become a desolate and violent wasteland, one man (Denzel Washington) fights to protect that sacred tome that could hold the key to the survival of the In a post-apocalyptic America where the once-picturesque countryside has become a desolate and violent wasteland, one man (Denzel Washington) fights to protect that sacred tome that could hold the key to the survival of the human race in this futuristic thriller from filmmaking duo Albert and Allen Hughes (From Hell and Dead Presidents).

We want your recipes, favorite movies and pictures of dinner with friends! Email them to [email protected]