Flying Solo

Fridays with Ken

If she gets out, what steps do you recommend she take to heal from the trauma and disappointment?

Get into a therapeutic relationship so you can explore your history & beliefs about yourself.  It’s important to engage the lies that you’ve developed concern your heart, mind and body so that you can begin the process of growing in God’s truth about you. As part of looking at the lies you want to investigate the co-dependency that you’ve learn to live out in your relationships.

What do you say to women in this situation regarding the Bible verse that states: a woman who remarries is committing adultery?

My understanding of scripture sees sever abuse as a form of unfaithfulness and she is free to remarry.  If that understanding were too much for someone to take in I would simply say that there are worse things than being single.

 

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to [email protected]

 

Wednesday 1 on 1 con't......

Single readers out there in Flying Solo Land, I would like to introduce you to my dear friend Carol Johnson. Carol is a vivacious person sold out to the Lord. She started making incredible bread from her own kitchen and a highly successful bread and gift store called Full Cup came out of that.It is in the heart of Buckhead. I have known Carol for about 15 years and can't wait for you to get to know her as she shares some hard earned wisdom from all she has gone through. You will most definitely be blessed by her stories.

Think of a time when I had to let go and what was the result of that.

My brother battled addiction  from age 14. My dad could never let go and always bailed him out. After dad died and after 35 years of this sick pattern in our family, my sister and I realized his only hope of making it was for us to let go. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I thought he was going to die, and he almost did. I’ve never prayed and interceded for anyone as deeply as I did him. For 5 months he was in the darkest abyss and we had no contact with him. I can remember a night when a prayer partner was warring over him, and I began to throw up in the toilet. I know that sounds really weird, but I also know something broke in the spirit that night. Victory triumphed. After 5 long months of a nose dive off a cliff and we didn’t know where he was, he called the next day and wanted help. He was a broken man. Victory triumphed. He went to rehab and has never been the same since. He is the brother I never knew. He was delivered and set free from the demonic forces that were controlling his life. At age 54, he is a responsible grown man…transformed. Tough love and letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do and stick with, but I am a firm believer it is the only hope for someone like this. Let go and let God.

 

In your Christian walk what is the most important thing the Lord has ever taught you and how has that brought you through tough times?

 
When I went through a divorce after only being married a few months, I really beat myself up and wondered how in the world I ever got in such a mess. The devil pounded my thoughts and I experienced tremendous shame and condemnation. I had suicidal thoughts, which is totally not me and definitely straight from hell. I was in the forefront at the time, my store was thriving and we were ministering to people everyday. The devil put thoughts in my head like, “How can you say you hear from God…now look at the mess you are in” and “This is the unpardonable sin, you will never be forgiven for this; you will burn in hell for this”.  My perfectionism was being cremated…literally, and it was the darkest place I’ve ever been; it felt like God left me and no words can explain the depth of the darkness and the fear I experienced.  Well, I was not sleeping, I lost 20 pounds, I could hardly function, and I’m certain I had a nervous breakdown. I could not read the word and could barely pray. But I hung on to Psalm 51, David’s Psalm after committing adultery with Bathsheba and committing murder. David was a man after God’s own heart and God forgave him and used him mightily; this gave me great comfort. All I can say is, God never left me, my sin had separated me from Him. My agreement with the devil in the shame and condemnation, kept me from Him; but He never left me. In my crying out for forgiveness and healing and for His presence, He lifted me out of the black pit. The most important thing I ever learned from Him is how much He loves me…no matter what!! I came to a new experiential place of knowing His love for me. We can screw up our lives so bad, but He never leaves us; His love for us is unfathomable. He let me know that, experience that…and He set me free. I would never want to go through that darkness again, but I am so thankful now to walk in the grace and love of God in a whole new level I never have before. It has also given me a compassion for others that I never had. I hate shame, I hate fear, I hate condemnation, I hate to see people walking in defeat. When we walk in that, we are in agreement with the lies of satan instead of the Promises of God.  I wish we could all understand God’s love. I wish we could all understand God’s grace. I wish we could all walk in the Victory that Jesus died for us to have.

Tuesday Tips

TIPS FROM MARTHA WOLFE

For my last tip I want to give you a favorite quote.

“If you are wise you will avoid any relationship that drains you and leaves you asking, ‘How did I get into this?’ When keeping somebody happy means shortchanging the purposes of God in your life and losing your joy, you have overdrawn the budget.”

The Word for You Today
Christ Fellowship Atlanta
January 15, 2010

 

Do you have some favorite Tips you would like to share? Email them to [email protected]

Monday Musings

STRATEGIES TO TRY IN SAYING “NO!”

 Scenario  What to say  Why it works

You are in an important After listening briefly, say,  You have listened briefly.
meeting with a client and the    “I have a client in my office  You have stated your situation.
phone rings.   right now.  Let me take your   You have let the client know
number and call you back.” that you value her time.

A needy friend who has a   “I’m sorry, but I have an  By saying your plans are
habit of calling a lot wants     important commitment that    important, you discourage
to come over. The Lord has   I simply can’t break. I can talk her from trying to persuade
instructed you to get your   to you five minutes on the  you.
house straightened up and  phone, but that is all the time
to get some errands done.  I have.”

Your mother-in-law calls to  “You know we really love seeing Your response reassures
say she’s coming to spend you, but this is an extremely busy   her that she’s wanted, but
the weekend.    weekend and we won’t have the    makes it perfectly clear
  time we’d want to spend with you.”   the timing is not a

   good time and won't work.
An unbelieving husband is  
threatened that his born   “Well if that is how you feel,   This spirit led answer
again wife loves the Lord   I am doing something wrong.”    removed all fear in
more than him. her husband’s heart.

Sunday Reflections

This is your time. Reflect with us about your week, your friends, or what God has become to you. This is your space. Your time.

Fridays with Ken

How can you tell if a relationship is abusive?

I think it’s better to ask question than to give a check list…so here are a few things to think about.  Am I being devalued (name calling, speaking down to you, hitting, an attack on your person) on a regular basis?  When I try to talk about it is this person open and humble or do they move to anger and become defensive?  Do experience the freedom to express who I am, what I think and what I feel without fear?

These are just a few questions that you want to consider as you look at your relationship.  Look at the whole picture not a few events unless they are violent.

What do you tell women who are in an abusive relationship with a rageaholic? She wants out but struggles with being single again and divorce and the covenant she made with God in marriage.

Get help.  You don’t need to walk this road alone…you’ll need help finding your own voice and the strength to engage the circumstances.  I wouldn’t move too quickly toward divorce without looking at the options.  I want to be clear on this point…if you are being hurt physically get out so you can evaluate the issues without fear.  If the abuse is emotional seek counseling, don’t wait, get moving.  It’s very difficult to sort out on your own.

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to [email protected]

 

Thursday Thumbprint

"This weeks Thumbprint come from our friend and guest blogger Martha Wolfe."

 

The following story is one about the Lord changing my boundaries when I did not know I needed them changed. In high school one of my most painful memories took place when some “girlfriends” “forgot” to pick me up for a football game. I was crushed. It would be fifteen more years before I would become a Christian, so I didn’t really know to go to the Lord with this heartache. The Lord knew exactly what I needed even when I did not know what to ask for. He changed my friends. These were new friends who were real and sincere. I am still friends with some of them today. The other crowd would have never loved me for me. It would not be until years later that I would recognize the hand of the Lord in this painful incident. He gave me what I needed before I came to know Him personally. He is still picking my friends and these dear people are treasured gifts to my heart.

 

Got a Thumbprint you would like to share? Email it to [email protected]

 

Wednesday 1 on 1 with Carol con't......

Single readers out there in Flying Solo Land, I would like to introduce you to my dear friend Carol Johnson. Carol is a vivacious person sold out to the Lord. She started making incredible bread from her own kitchen and a highly successful bread and gift store called Full Cup came out of that.It is in the heart of Buckhead. I have known Carol for about 15 years and can't wait for you to get to know her as she shares some hard earned wisdom from all she has gone through. You will most definitely be blessed by her stories.

Pretend you are speaking to several thousand singles in a large auditorium. Many of those present have waited a long time for their life partner to come upon the scene. What would you say to them when many have grown weak of heart and weary in spirit? How would you encourage them?

I watch my agreements. If I allow myself to agree with discouragement and hope deferred, I’ll find myself in a state of distress, discouragement and hope deferred; I’m allowing the devil to steal my joy. I press in and write scriptures to say over my life and promises to stand on. I thank God in all circumstances. I make declarations over myself and by faith believe He is working things all together for good in my life. I do things for others who are hurting and realize how blessed I am in the process. I focus on Him and what He did for me on the cross, and my worries become very dim. I truly believe that there are much worse things in life than being single. I truly believe that I’d much rather be single than miserably married. I truly believe, that God has a great plan for my life. I also know that I would never be so close to the Lord if I had been married. I’ve had single-focus & devotion to Him that I would never have had otherwise. When I do marry, it will be hard to balance a husband with Jesus.

Give and example of boundaries and learning to say no.

Honestly, I don’t think I have hard time saying no. I used to, but not anymore. I guess it comes from lots of years of being taken advantage of or manipulated. I was naÔve for many years, but I don’t think I am so much anymore. Setting boundaries comes from knowing my limits physically and emotionally. One example of boundaries was with my ex-husband. He was a rage-aholic and I’d never been around someone so angry and full of rage. We went to counseling and since he repeatedly blamed everything on everyone else and never looked at himself, I realized there was no hope and he was pretty sick. He only got more and more enraged. When he went for his gun and threatened to kill one or both of us…. I kicked him out of the house. We’d been married 2 months. I guess you could say that was a boundary. I divorced him and refused to live with a man like that.

Tuesday tips

TIPS FROM MARTHA WOLFE

How to Have a Small Dinner Buffet

1. This set up is for a single-sided buffet.
(on one side of the table only)

2. Create levels in the buffet. Use band tipped over bowls to do this. These items will be covered with table clothes or pieces of fabric and will not be exposed.

3. Cover the table with table cloths.Sculpt the levels with the clothes.

4. Set up the buffet in this order: plates, salad course,cold side dishes, hot dish, bread, hot sides, desserts.

Remember to use the levels you created in the prior step to allow your guests to better view the items and to make your table more appealing.

5. Place an appropriate utensil with the food, and place any meat drippings or gravy in front of the item that it accompanies.

6. Light any chafing dishes 20 minutes prior to putting the food on the buffet to give them time to sufficiently heat. 

7. Put out the food 5 minutes prior to dinner.

Add fresh flowers to the buffet for beauty and eye appeal.

Condensed from eHOW.com

Do you have some favorite Tips you would like to share? Email them to [email protected]

 

Monday Musing

Our guest this month is such a special friend of mine. She was actually my interview a couple months back. Her name is Martha Wolfe, and she lives in Atlanta, Georgia, where she has a private counseling practice and is a Certified Grief Specialist. She was the founder of the counseling center at Dr. Charles Stanley’s church, and she makes me smile. She has never been married so comes to our blog this month with real experience and real knowledge and a beautiful heart. And because of that, I trust her with yours this month. Say hello to my friend, Martha…enjoy.

One of the most eye opening things in my Christian maturing process was learning about boundaries.One of the most difficult things for a co-dependant person to learn is to say “NO”. Here are some phrases that may help you in communicating some tricky situations:

PHRASES FOR HELPFUL COMMUNICATION

When Trying to Open Up a Discussion:
This is what has been said. This is how I see it. How do you see it?

 When You Want the Other Person to Feel Heard:
 I see where you are coming from.
 I see how you might see it that way.
 It’s not hard to see why you would be so frustrated.
 I want you to know, I hear you!

When Injecting a Different Opinion:
 Another thing to consider is…
 Another possibility might be…
 Here is a thought…

With a Chronic Complainer:
  You are expressing a lot of areas you feel need changing.
  What solutions have you considered for these areas?

Let’s both give this some more thought and prayer and set up another time to talk.

When you have heard the same complaint from a friend for months or even years, you can say, “If you are not going to do anything about (whatever), you forfeit the right to complain to me about that again.”

When You Don’t Think Your Participation is Necessary:
 I am absolutely sure you will be able to work this out on your own.

 I know you would like me to intervene, but I am not Willing to. 

When You Feel Pressured to Say, “Yes” But Need to Say, “No”:
I am sorry but that is not going to work for me.